Cos and Effect

I like the Bams. And I'm glad that levels of Bamarama seem to be on the rise. But I'm not ashamed to admit that I still have a hard time imagining the US electing a black president, and I expect that many Americans - Republican, Democrat, black, white, asian, cro-asian - share my doubt. Bams has some momentum: he won in Iowa and it seems he'll win by a narrow margin in New Hampshire today, but there's still plenty of time for Democrats to think "hey, he's black", and still plenty of time to cloak that sentiment in the more acceptable argument, "hey, he's only 46." (Thanks Hill.)

So I've been thinking: is there a black man that America would accept as president this half-century? And the answer came quite naturally: Bill Cosby. I don't know anything about Cosby's political views or aspirations, but I don't think that particularly matters, because he's Cosby.

Cosby '12. (I'm admittedly quite ignorant of the caucus/nomination process, other than that it apparently involves a lot of yelling and maltreatment of immigrants - can a candidate win the nomination after missing two primaries? If so, Cosby '08.)

Maybe Americans aren't ready for Obams, but they might be ready for a black man that they've already invited in to their homes on many an occasion. Remember the time that Theo threw a party that got out of hand, and Cosby made him work at a homeless mission? What about the time he single-handedly brought stability and Jello products to North Korea, paradoxically defrosting political relations with the icy cool refreshingness of Pudding Pops? Let's create some magical new memories together. And Cosby isn't just the candidate for those of us who are old enough to remember all of his Cosby Show antics - he's a ubiquitous pop-culture reference, frequently lampooned on comedy shows for all demographics and impersonated by hack comedians of all ages (second only to Christopher Walken in this regard). He also recently and unwittingly starred in the internet-exclusive sitcom House of Cosbys (the first half of the first episode is pretty funny). In short, Cosby is everywhere, and he appeals to audiences young and old. Widespread familiarity/celebrity: it's an easy and guaranteed way to get into politics. Just ask former President Reagan, future President Schwarzenegger, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Jerry Springer, Gary Coleman, and droopy-faced Republican hopeful Fred Thompson.

The US is going through some tough economic times right now. And for the past little while, it's been going through some tough "totally scared of everything and ready to kick its ass at a moment's notice" times. Having a leader who's convinced the world is going to end in a blaze of hellfire probably won't help to improve anyone's outlook (nor would a leader who starts and ends every sentence with "911"). Granted, Bams, things like "hope" and "change" are a bit more positive. But you know what could really help? Some hilarity. Some good old family-appropriate humour.

George Bush thinks he's hilarious. He's constantly ending a (tragic) sentence with a slight chuckle in his voice, then smirking, leaning forward over the podium and waiting for laughs. Imagine if he was actually as funny as he thinks he is? Well, I know someone who's even funnier than that. Cos has the goods. Instead of the painfully unstructured, fragmented speech-barfs or stone-faced "no-comments" we're used to, we could be regaled with rollicking anecdotes, funny voices, and bug-eyed silly-faces. Politics would be fun again, or rather, for the first time. And think about how much more engaged with government the general public would be - a scary amount of people have little or no interest in the political issues that shape their country and affect their lives, but we all love to be entertained. And apparently voters are willing to settle for jokes of the calibre of "economic girly-men"; wait until they're faced with a candidate who's got some real material.

Many of the aforementioned "no-comments", especially in the last 7 years, have been elicited by requests for an explanation of government policy. This is always very frustrating. Instead of just having a Decider, how about an Explainer? I know a certain gentleman who could sit you down on his knee, and explain the most complicated of issues in a straightforward fashion. He's done it countless times before (in about 201 separate episodes). Why are Cosby explanations so effective, you may ask? Because he starts pretty much every sentence with the words "You see: ". He'll make you see. Cosby '12.

Cosby's ready to handle the hot-button issues. Abortion? No problem. Who better to tackle such a sensitive subject than Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, OBGYN? The Cosby Show ran from 1984 to 1992, that's 8 years of invaluable experience. And while we're on the subject of his medical credentials, who better to address the issue of national health care than a (TV) doctor? Furthermore, who better to address America's growing obesity epidemic than someone who has a proven track record of turning obesity into laughter, over a backdrop of groovy funk guitar? Hey hey hey.

Gay marriage? My 3 minutes of exhaustive Google research in preparation for this post reveals that there was an episode of Cosby where Cosby accidentally signs up for a gay baseball team. That seems like enough experience to tackle this nationally divisive issue.

"But Derbis," you say, "you're confusing Bill Cosby with the character that he played, Cliff Huxtable." Does it matter? Aren't all politicians playing a role (beside the fact that an increasing number seem to be actors by trade)? I think so; look at "regular guy" Bush, "war hero" Kerry, "hometown hero" Giuliani, "charismatic" Al Gore. "Lady with testicles" Clinton. If I haven't won you over with my Cosby argument, would you go for Huxtable '12? I'm ready for a Cosby/Huxtable ticket.

Besides, the US isn't a dictatorship. Decisions rarely begin or end with the president, a fact that has become blatantly obvious during the current administration. So just elect Cosby for some wacky fun times at press conferences and state of the union addresses, and this time find an impresario who's less similar - in appearance, demeanour, and deed - to the Penguin from Batman Returns. (Am i referring to Cheney or Rove here? Both, I guess.)

Now, I don't want to appear overly judgmental of US politics and its relation to race. First of all, Bams' campaign for candidacy is going well, and hopefully it'll continue to do so. And second, as far as I know, there has never been a black candidate for Prime Minister of Canada. Best of luck to Obams, but if he doesn't make it, let's get Cosby in there. Then maybe Canada will follow suit, once we've had a friendly old funny black neighbour.

In conclusion: sorry to pollute this serious blog with something so ridiculous. Also:

"Cosby '12. You see: it's time for change, Theo. Heh heh."